Someone posted this anonymously on Slashdot today - I have to say it’s pretty accurate - and all my furniture IS from IKEA! What??

1. Windows
   You wear wraparound sunglasses, even indoors. You wish your mother would let you ride a motorbike. You tell your friends you’re pulling in $50,000 a year and $2,000 a month “playing the stock market” but in reality you’re only bringing in half that and your dividends from MSFT havn’t been good in years. Your non computing friends all turn to you for help; you only charge $30 an hour. Your collegues talk about you behind your back. Your workplace nickname is likely to be “The Asshole”. Unlike the Linux fanboys, you actually try to pick up dates in bars but women laugh at you.
3. Apple
   You think you’re so cool you hurt. You have mirrors on every wall in your “loft apartment”, which is really a grimy little apartment next to a guy who plays Guns ‘n Roses at 3am. All of your furniture is from Ikea. You sometimes think that changing your name to “Steve” would be “pretty cool”. When you go to bars you only drink Miller Lite. No body ever asks you for help with their computers because they know you don’t know anything but OS X, even if you do tell them you “run Unix” now. Your friends openly laugh at you.
5. Linspire
   You regularly give $10 bills to homeless guys because you have too much money. Computers baffle you, but you enjoy looking at pictures of naked women. You don’t know what Linux is, but you continually bugged the IT guy at work about your computer he installed Linspire on your machine.
7. Umbongo (ed: Ubuntu Linux)
   You shop at GAP. You probably used to use a Mac. When you saw the multiracial image used as a desktop picture and heard that this operating system came from the same country as Nelson Mandella, you knew it was for you. You meet with your friends in fair-trade coffee houses and talk about the eventual overthrow of evil corporations such as Microsoft and Starbucks. Like the Linspire user, you have very little real knowlege when it comes to computers but you would never use your computer to look at pictures of women degrading themselves.
9. Gentoy (ed: Gentoo Linux)
   You’ve been “into computers” for ohh, one or two years now and fancy yourself as “a bit of a hacker”. Wouldn’t know C from C++, or even Perl for that matter. Older Gentoy users may be building their homes from matchsticks. You’ve explained to all your friends that your matchstick house will have an “optimised floorplan”. They’ve tried to tell you that your house violates every known building code and law in your area, but you’ve ignored them so far because you can’t read those complicated regulatory documents.
11. Linux From Scratch
    Much like the Gentoy user but you’d also be into sadomasochistic sex if you could get it. You’re not just building a house from matchsticks, you’re planing to grow the trees to make the matchsticks. You’ve cleared some land but don’t know what to do next because you havn’t read the books you’ve got, so you’ve posted to alt.arborists.newbie asking for help. It’s been three days so far and no one has replied. You remain hopeful.

Some of the replies are pretty good too:

7. Amiga You are a bitter person, twisted by how unfair the world is to have ignored your choice of system and operating system. You still think it is the late 80s, and don’t realise that everybody else has caught up, gone past and then lapped you. Oddly enough you hate your neighbour, also an Amiga fanboy, because they have a blue front door. You have a collection of Amiga t-shirts, including a XXXL Amiga Inc t-shirt sent out 3 years after you paid $50 to try and keep your platform alive. You current hardware uses a 5 year old VIA southbridge, and you need to use a PCI card IDE controller because of it. You don’t really know how computers work despite having used one for nearly 20 years. You still think that PCs have no custom chips and use the original x86 instruction set.

And another:

8. GNU HERD You don’t really exist in the conventional sense. You are more an abstraction. So too is your operating system. Your imaginery friends call you all the time to arrange getting together to add on more features to your imaginery OS. You will always buy the fair trade bar of chocolate for $5 before the bag of smarties @ $0.50 but thats ok, because although the cost to your productivity by using HERD now runs into the tens of thousands, that is more than made up for by the imaginery dent you are doing to the Microsoft corrporation. You could be from anywhere but you might well be German and as you know very well, its dangerous to purchase proprietary software but it’s ok to stone someone else to death for using it! : )

And finally, a comment on OpenBSD…

7. OpenBSD You walk around feeling incredibly secure, since you’re supposed to be secure by default. Then, because you didn’t take the time to understand the OS and did something stupid, you realize that you’ve been walking with your fly down the whole time. Of course the girls you tried to pick up at the bar called you out right away with your smug attitude, lack of “features”, and that “Puff” t-shirt you thought was cool. Once you realize your mistakes, you desperately post to misc@openbsd.org begging for help. You get laughed at by other people just like you, only of a higher caliber. But hey, you don’t care, you’re secure… right?